Me, French Fries

To escape reality, we often drown ourselves in things that would help us get our minds off the "real world" for awhile. For shopaholics, it maybe a trip to the mall; for film buffs, a movie or two; for intellectuals, reading their favorite book; still for others, gimmicking and guzzling booze does the trick for them.

For me, and for many other "addicts" like me, gaming is the way. It has often been said that gaming (arcade, video, online, pc) accomplishes no other purpose than these two: entertain, and waste time.

For a long time, I depended on this "alternate" reality to sustain me. The pains and heartbreaks of my past have led me to the point that I subsisted only to play. I was more than a potato lounging on a couch, I was amoeba germinating, I was a rock gathering moss.

What is bad about gaming as another form of entertainment is that unlike sports, reading, or watching movies, gaming has little to contribute in the way of intellectual and spiritual growth. For the many years that I've been playing, I can only attribute two things positive that gaming has taught me: more coordination (for pressing x & y buttons alternately, simultaneously, extraneously, and any other way posible that can be) and lots of patience (try playing any of the FF series and you'll know what I mean). Other gamers may argue. But what about strategy or RTS games? Don't these games exercise your analytical thinking and decision-making in pressured situations? They may well do, but the case is, often, the only things they exercise are the ones on your arms and wrists as more often than not, average gamers who play these games resort to pre-developed tactics by other "much better" players and do not really develop strategies of their own. These games also have a saturation rate on the amount of strategies that can be developed and learned, and when thus reached, stops being a thinking game but becomes an exercise in futility.

Role-playing games for me are much better in the brain-exercise category. By saying role-playing, I'm referring to those RPGs that are played offline, those RPGs that have deep storylines and complex character developments (like the FF series) In these kind of games, gamers are forced to use their imagination (an activity most kids nowadays do not do). Text-base RPGs are even better in this category! People who play these games use their imagination, create their own characters, choose their own attributes, in short, gives them a life of their own. Creation is the key word here. To create something out of nothing, that is imagination.

Going back to what I'm saying, the reason this whole monolouge started was because I, who have been for so long using games as anesthesia for my pain, suddenly woke up one day and realized that I no longer need this same anesthesia to dull my senses.

I woke up one day to realize that this same anesthesia, though materially important in saving my life post-trauma, have cease being useful to me, and have in fact, become the opposite.

My life as a wandering swordsman and a black hole unfilled is over. I find no more use to be numb to everything around me. It is this precisely that has led me to reject any, and all sorts of subtitutes for the reality that is my LIFE.

What used to sustain me, now kept me from living my life fully. Fantasies, games, and dreams are all so well, so long as they do not encroach on your ability to live your life well and productively.

I've realized that there is more to life than "just living."

There's also living with yourself, and living with those you love that makes life what it is. These are two things similar and intertwined. You can't live with those you love if you can't live with yourself. (for what you've done in your past)

It took me this long, and Mamuy that much patience, for me to see the light.

That is why, though Fate and God conspire against us together, I will never let my Mamuy go.

It is more than just love that's keeping us. It is something which I think is greater than love but has no word to define it.

How have old couples remained married to each other all through those years? Was it simple love? Yes, undeniably, there was of course love. Was it mere patience? Yes, that too, cannot be denied was present in their relationship. Was it just forbearance? Reasonably, that would be included as well. But the sum of all these things: love, patience, forbearance, faith, trust, hope, or whatever...

That -- that is what I'm referring to that me and Mamuy have. The sum of all things that keeps couples together.

It is what has woken me to the truth.

That I am more than just a couch potato in the eyes of my beloved.

I am french fries with thousand island dressing on the sides.

And I resolve to upgrade to a combo meal in a little more time.

So next time you see me, be prepared to see the super-sized new me.

A little thin on regrets, with double helpings of hope for better things to come.