Scribbles

LoneWolf 1999

Im walking on a candlelit path, written with markings from the past.
I am but a grave overture shifting with sands this pure,
time stopping still at every gate; all called, perhaps tempting fate.
Yet this road, however peaceful it may seem, is filled with traps.
Obscure looking thornless roses are but signs of how unreal this world is.

The world, like a figurine ready to break, plays a crystal glass upon the creators --
gods of unseeming beauty.
I hold the world in my hand, for whatever I want to mean, speaks nothing
of the gods who watch.
They cry, for life stories that touch them.
Perhaps those life they made tragically horrible, sorrowful.
And sometimes, great ONES do appear in the grand theatre they created.
The ONES who change the world -- the gifted, the visionaries...

The world, teeming with people like these,
living their life in a corner,
all their talent wasted.
And all because they have grown cynical of this world.

"You see, this what life is all about," said they, referring to a shell.
And I'd look into the shell and see it empty.

The shell is empty because you choose it to be.
But a wise man would know, nothing can ever be empty.
For even in that emptiness, everything is filled.

Walk along with me on the beach.
Stand beside me, prismed in the sun's afterglow.
Aren't we but dreamers, dreaming of a life besides our own?
Time is continous,
life is monotonous.
The world, like a figurine ready to break,
is broken.
Play me for a violin.

For how long will you walk?
For how long will you sail?
For how long will you be?

Just be.
Not a name.

Lemons, and Women

Jao 2003

The smell of you makes me delirious

Why should i breathe when i'll go crazy?

I'll know nothing but the scent of you

And that makes me nothing

Not a flower, nor a breeze

Lemons and lilies float in my mind

And none of them even comes close

To what i smell in you

Heaven and paradise come in one

But why should i believe?

This sense of mine must lie
As all other senses do.

My eyes always deceive me
How many times have i fallen in pits,
As dark as blackness itself?
Because my eyes never told me
Look but don't leap

And words, why should i trust them?

When gods made hearing only for fools

And feeling for the blind.

So why should i listen to sweet music and coarse promises?

Language that never mesh.

So what about touch?
Ah, pleasure that gives me
Is nothing more but signals to the brain

But oh, they feel wonderful
When you kiss me, do i feel joy?
Not a whisper, nor a bird has moved

I am a prisoner, so shall i be happy?

Four senses, where is the fifth?

Ah, now we come to the last

Not the least i tell you

After all has been said and done
Then shall you taste a multitude of flavors, I do promise you
Bittersweet sadness and heavenly pain

But wait!
I wait for the lemons

When shall i taste them again?

Perhaps when i drive by that garden once more

And i shall say:
Lemons make me cry

But i am happy because of that.

Inheritance

Jao 2003

Will you be sad when i tell you
That one day i might leave?
Be gone not for hours, or minutes
But days without end.
Will you be teary-eyed when,
On the day i leave you nothing
But a fistful of memories
And one hell of a heartache?
Will you cry and be brave
After that and everything else?
Life still hold something dear
And i am but just a passing stranger then
Who gave you but a piece of himself
Will you be free when i let you go?
Or hold on dearly to what can't be?
I gave you nothing but mere choices
You chose not to,
I don't blame you
Will you be as i am
When all this had passed and i am gone?
And words and kisses are but a memory
That was you, this is me
But where are we?
This is my sadness.
Now it is yours.

The Black Diary

WolfPack22 September 19, 1999

The tide is now coming in, and the waves are getting bigger. The wind breaks into a run, and the heavens open up, wide and majestic. The stars above us shine. A falling star, swiftly passes, and then -- gone. All too briefly a moment. It was just a minute before that I could see no stars in sight...
But now I see them brightly, all full of luster. They blink at each other like eyes talking in a secret language. Dusts making them appear as though they are twinkling. In our human eye, an illusion of beauty.
Aah.
Dusts bring the illusion, but our eyes make it. It brings us this beauty, but it also stings our eyes with pain.

For the second time, I was brought back to my senses by the crashing of the waves, breaking like thunder upon the shore. The lapping water is more than soothing as the earth moving when it gently slaps into my bare feet, making me sink an inch lower into the sand.
I feel the earth all around me as I closed my eyes. The earth moved not when I first stirred my eyes, nor struck an angel when I first let out my cry. But did let one single tear fall as I let myself die...

The second star shot across the heavens, streaking a fine line of memories. We were best of friends then, but she was kind, and I full of pride. We were never near anywhere than any truth had been. But we were fine before, as now we are not.

Roses grow in my garden everyday, but none that I could give to her. Words just stem out from my thoughts everytime I think, but none that I could say to her. Tears fall into my lap every minute, but none that I could show to her. She is my last living refuge. The cure that I tried to seek, the part of me that I tried to deny. The friend for me that I tried -- did betray.

A crackle of thunder broke my reverie. Rain was now pouring hard. It was just then that I realized I was crying.
But what the hell? So was the heavens.

I looked up and saw the heavens closed. There were no more stars in sight, no more shooting stars falling.
Only the dark clouds moving in, and thunder streaking across the night sky.

I smiled as I remembered the time with them.

"Come on, let us make a wish!" her voice echoed in my memory. It was but a distant past.

I opened my mouth to catch a raindrop. But then thought better of it, and slammed it shut.

Cicumspect, Introspect, Tiny Lil Insects...

In the world of the jaded and the uninspired, we all feel like ants going through life like drones in a line. Money makes the world go round. Well, almost. But I'm still not over how I'm so fucking tied and dried. Remember that day? Remember that way? Yeah, go fuck n smoke.

A poker stick and a bit of coke, I used to read and live my life at the same time. I cried to God for a piece of that world I only read, and he gave me more, and took all in exchange. "Happy now, bum?" Was all he asked.

Will I ever?

When I was a kid, I had asthma and was friendless. Clumsy, uncoordinated, I was the picture of the perfect nerd. I prayed: I'll give half of this brain to gain some friends. And so they came. The musketeers and the wolves, and more. I felt I was happy. Well, I was. But teen years had different aims, and different wants. To guys, it was the boon and the kiss. And I was the Frog. Made excruciatingly worse that I was part of us "three." It was a film in my head: Two hunks and a Pimple. No need to ask whom was whom. So again, I prayed: a LOVE and a KISS, that's all I ask. In exchange, take all you've left in me: my luck, my words, my being ME.

And so she came. And she came. And she came. And boy, did I get what I was asking for, and more. I felt more than happy. Well, for the most part. But growing up had different needs, and wants. To men, it's called The Trinity. The pad, the carreer, and all the benefits that come with it. READ: women.

So again, I prayed: All my life, you gave me what I wanted in exchange for what I have. All my life I thought, what I wanted was what I didn't have. And all my life I yearned for that. Now give me this: My life as you think I should live it. Since you took all I have the last time, I have nothing more to give except what I'll earn in the future. So that I give you. My life as you will it.

Since then, I've been living life one day at a time. There's no need to rush. Me and my wife will get by. God has graced us with a blessing much more than what I promised Him in exchange. In a way, I feel like Faust. Only I made a deal with the right kind of DEALER.

I feel like God has taken everything from me, so that he can give the best of ONE thing to me. And it's just the essence of what He is: LOVE.

Happy hearts day to all. May you find the life I have and live it the way I do. As happy as I can ever be.